Cuco

If you’re looking for a hotel that’s “right in the centre,” apparently Hotel Cuco has its own definition of “centre” because unless the centre has moved several taxi rides away, it’s definitely not where they claim it is. Be prepared to budget for taxis because there’s not much within easy walking distance.

The rooftop pool? Calling it a pool is generous. It’s about the size of a hot tub, the water was constantly cloudy and looked like it hadn’t seen a cleaning schedule in weeks. If that’s full, don’t worry – there’s another pool… across the road. Unfortunately, that one didn’t appear to be cleaned either.

Fancy a relaxing morning by the pool with a drink? Think again. The rooftop doesn’t even open until 11am, and even then the staff regularly turned up another 20–30 minutes late. Between 10am and 11am, you can’t even buy a bottle of water or a soft drink because every bar is closed. Apparently hydration is optional.

The rooftop bar also has a strict “no music” policy because, according to staff, the neighbours are sleeping. At 11 o’clock in the morning. In Benidorm. You genuinely couldn’t make it up.

Then came the England World Cup match. Every TV in the hotel was muted, English guests were told to move into a corner, and the hotel decided that was the perfect evening to put entertainment on instead, repeatedly announcing, “No football tonight.” Strangely enough, when Spain played, tea was served early so everyone could watch the match, the reception area revolved around the football, and there didn’t seem to be any issue showing it then. Make of that what you will.

The food deserves a special mention… for all the wrong reasons. On more than one occasion we walked into the restaurant, looked at what was on offer, and walked straight back out without eating a single thing. One morning we even asked for cold milk and were told they didn’t have any. Not “it’s run out temporarily”—just no cold milk at all.

The reception area was home to more cockroaches than guests seemed comfortable with, and the staff acted like they were regular visitors rather than something that needed dealing with.

As for the bar, I don’t know whether the alcohol was watered down or whether they’ve discovered some magical alcohol-free vodka, but after plenty of drinks not one of us felt even slightly tipsy. Either they’re serving miracles or they’re serving something else.

The rooms didn’t improve matters. The balcony doors felt unstable and far from secure, and the mattresses were heavily stained, which is never something you want to discover when you’re trying to sleep.

Throughout our stay we felt English guests weren’t particularly welcomed. The service often came across as rude, and we never felt the hotel made much effort to cater for English visitors.

Overall, if you’re looking for a hotel with questionable cleanliness, disappointing food, tiny murky pools, delayed opening times, mystery alcohol, and an adventurous walk (or taxi ride) to get anywhere, Hotel Cuco has you covered. If you’re looking for a relaxing holiday, I’d strongly recommend spending your money elsewhere. We came for a holiday and left with a list of complaints longer than the hotel brochure.

We have been coming for few years after reading the reviews. Hotel is clean, tidy. The staff are helpful, polite and very friendly. The restaurant have a wide range off food, even some like me who has food restrictions, and still managed to eat. We will definitely come back again.